Dear Sweaty Hillbilly Ohio State Fan who Installed my Internet,
Firstly, let me thank you for installing my internet– it really feels great to be reliably connected to the world wide web after a year of stealing other people’s wireless and trying to finish writing various f’book status updates while one of any number of the adorable old lady Rangeley librarians shut off all the other computers around me in a way that felt very passive aggressive and menacing. But moving on to more serious matters, do you really think that that story you that told me about the lady you know who just got sent to jail for delivering heroin that ended with the sentence ‘what I want to know is how many times has she given that ass up for some drugs, because you know it’s happened’ was an appropriate way to represent Comcast Cable to one of their newest customers?
My Dear Rabbit, Joey Chaos Thunder,
You might think I’m just some monstrous, terrifying fool who doesn’t realize that you’re only pretending to nap next to those wires so that you can start chewing them to useless electrified ribbons as soon as I get up to refill my water, but let me just say this: I bet I can wait longer for a drink of water than you can wait to run off to your litter box and shit. Who’s the fool now, old friend?
Dear New Apartment,
Thank you SO MUCH for not being haunted!
Dear Toilet that Won’t Stop Flushing due to a Rare Rubber Malfunction in the Tank,
While I appreciate your vigor, your enthusiasm, and your truly admirable level of job satisfaction, I feel obligated to point out that your eagerness to completely rid yourself of my waste and that of my guests is most likely going to end up costing me a small fortune in water bills. So, as much as I hate to be wet blanket/party pooper (*Note: Choose your own pun adventure!) I’m going to have to respectfully ask you to cease this behavior and please start acting like a regular toilet. Thank you.
Dear Cup Phones,
I was always only pretending that you worked. I could never actually hear any one talking to me through you.
I don't even know which science to blame for this...
