My Unpopular Opinions

If you don’t say ‘pfft! What?!’ to any of these things, maybe call me and we’ll hang out.

If however, you, reader, are anything like just about every person that I know, then you will probably drop a ‘pfft! What?!’at some point while reading this. Because this is a disgusting confession of my most crotchety feelings.

1. Paul is the Worst Beatle.

In other controversial news, George is the best Beatle. ‘All Things Must Pass’ is, song for song, the best solo album made by any Beatle. Note for note, ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time’ is a worse song than ‘Single Ladies’, which is the worst song. Viva George!

2. Thai Food? Boooo. Dyed food? Yay!

One thing that I’ve noticed is that everyone loves Thai food. I do not. The only time peanuts are all right with meat flavor is when you drop a glob of PB into your ramen to bulk it up a little. Otherwise? Keep peanuts outta entrees. Blech! Crab rangoon, I grant, are about as bangarang as appetizers get, but I’m not sure that Thailand is their country of origin, so maybe this isn’t even relevant. On the other hand, it turns out that everyone except me doesn’t think that food coloring should be used to color food (could I have made that less stupidly written? perhaps.)! I always have food coloring in my kitchen. Why? Because it is hella fun. Making French toast? Throw some blue in there! I did that for a friend once and he refused to eat it. Also, for a French Honors Society Mardi Gras celebration in high school I made what I thought were some very festive gold, green, and purple crêpes. Everyone said they were stupid and gross, and that I should throw them away before the boys arrived. Fuck that! Dyed food is fun as shit. Except ketchup. Leave it red. That color is already plenty fun.

3. I hate Eric Clapton.

Not just his bullshit adult contemporary, but his old stuff too. His best stuff. Everything. Fuck that guy. ‘But ‘Slowhand’ is such a good album!’ you say. Oh yeah? How about if I want to listen to black American music, I listen to a black American making music? I don’t care how many of my favorite guitarists have been influenced by Clapton, Leadbelly would kill him in a guitar duel. Or a real duel! Leadbelly is all killer, no adult contemporary filler. Also he’s a for real murderer. Killed a bro in 1918. I don’t even care, fuck Clapton.

4.Blue Moon is Gross.

It has a fucky aftertaste. I don’t get why it’s so popular. Woof.

5. If wars were won by looking sharp, the Nazis would win every time.

Listen, I hate Nazis as much as anyone does, don’t get me wrong, I hate them. But man oh man do those bastards look sharp. Especially the SS, whom, let me be clear, I just absolutely abhor. But man! That black and grey? Sharp! Even those symbol-of-hatred arm bands set the whole thing off nicely. I love my country, and as a result I am a big fan of the outcome of WWII, and not to sound like a total broad here, but if an aesthetics competition had played a role, I really don’t see the Allied Powers coming out on top. Really, mein only kampf is not getting the vapors when I watch this scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:

Damn it looks good to be a Nazi.

Fun Fact: I always thought that ‘the vapors’ had something to do with farting. Turns out, it means female hysteria. It is apparently no longer recognized by modern doctors as a legitimate condition. Obviously, they have not seen Last Crusade.

6. I’m not 100% sure what ‘Dubstep’ is, but I am 100% sure that I hate it.

I think it sounds like garbage. Overproduced, bass-heavy garbage. Also insufferable? People who say things like, ‘I’m just really getting into dubstep right now’. The town that I inhabit loves this shit. Earlier this winter their was a whole lame festival full of it. It brought what I consider to be the least savory element to town: stoned 18 year old white kids with dreads, flat bill caps with the stickers still on, day glo skinny jeans and just the worst possible taste in auditory stimuli. It was weird day for me when I realized that I’m older than a lot of pro athletes, and being such I realize that I’m probably not the most in touch with kids and the dumb shit they think is okay, but if dubstep is an indication of where youth culture is heading, I think we should start Hunger Gamesing these kids. Right away.

7. Grape is the best flavor of everything.

Candy, gum, jelly, juice, that weird flavored cement shit orthodontists use to make a mold of your teeth, everything. If it comes in grape, then that is the best one. I’ve noticed that most people disagree, and grape is often the only flavor remaining in communal candy situations. I can’t imagine why this is. I always go for grape first. Because it TASTES THE BEST.

8. Fuck Dolphins, man, I’m sick of that shit.

I don’t know what is it about dolphins that just rubs me a rotten way, but I am just super unimpressed. I know that they’re allegedly very smart, and probably cute, and maybe cunning, but for some reason I just think they’re shitty. I have nothing against aquatic mammals in general, in fact orcas are way the hell up my list of favorite animals. They’re majestic and unforgiving, like the ocean itself, and I love them for it. Dolphins always seem to just be fucking around and I think they should cut it out.

I could literally go on for days with this list, but I already feel like I’ve probably lost a friend or two, so maybe I should quit while I’m being incredibly alienating and unlikeable.