Archive for June, 2009

Some Customers are Totally Fine

June 25, 2009

So I realized that I’ve done a lot of whining about all these customers getting my goat, and it’s only fair to mention the ones that totally get gifts for my goat, pleasing it greatly. Here are some of my favorite customers:

So not one hot second before I wrote this shit down, this woman rolls up on the gas station like ‘hey we just bought all this Pepsi, and we realized that we want Diet Pepsi, can we trade you cases?’ And I’m like, sorry brosephine, we don’t even sell cases. Unfazed, she just broadsides me with ‘Ok, so I’ll just buy some six bottles then and do you just want these two cases of Pepsi for yourself?’ I won’t pretend that I wasn’t confused a little, and I won’t pretend that the smallest, greediest part of me wasn’t saying ‘why’d it have to be Pepsi? Why couldn’t it be Grape Fanta?’ But shit, what a thing to do! Give a total fucking stranger 2 cases of soda? Fucking yes!

Coming in second on my list of favorite customers is this Japanese family who were here a while ago. This girl of about 25 rolls up asking for matches and I’m like sorry beezy we don’t have any. She thanks me [for nothing] and rolls out. Not one hot second later she rolls back in and asks for lighters and with as apologetic a voice/face combo as I can muster I tell her the same thing that I tell every poor lost soul who wanders into Pahaska Gas looking for lighters: All we have are the oversized fishing pole fire starters for $6.99. What I like so much about this lady is that of all the people that I’ve ever told that to, she is the only one who actually considered it. She only had $5, though, so she had to pass. She asked me if I thought her car would have a built-in lighter and I said that it might and she asked me where it would be and how to work it so I told her. She bowed to me and hurried to the car to check it out. A hot second later she rolls back in again because she can’t find it and she needed help. So I’m like lemme take a look at this vehicle. So I go over there and I’m all leaning all over her still belted into the seat father trying to analyze their shit. Sure enough, no lighter. So I break the news to her, she relays it to her family in Japanese and then asks me where the next place to buy anything is. I tell her 28 miles in any direction and her face falls like me in heels. 28 miles? she repeats to me, forlorn. So I decide to do the G-est shit I done in hella long and take my own lighter out of my pocket and give it to her. She’s like really?! I’m like totally. Her face lights up like the 4th of July and she starts bowing to me like I’m Mulan and she’s all of China at the end of Mulan (oh, p.s., that’s not supposed to be like a she’s Asian, Mulan’s Asian Asian joke, that’s just the best fucking most intense bowing sequence I can really think of). She waves it to her family  in the car and they all start bowing too, at least as best they can still all belted in and shit. It was sort of a bummer when I went for my after lunch cigarette, but it was totally the fuck worth it.

My third fave customer was in last night. He rolled up  more psyched on Pahaska gas than I could ever imagine being. He was all ‘Oh man you have bloody Mary mix?! And Snickers Almond?! OH SUNFLOWER SEEDS?!?!? NO WAYYYYYY!!!!’ He actually called his wife in from the car to check out the fishing pole fire starters. He called my lollipop tree neat and proclaimed his utter astonishment and pleasure at the fact that we had A1 Steak Sauce for what he considered to be a very reasonable price. Homeboy didn’t even buy anything, he just came in, got stoked, and bounced. Totally cool.

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The Fruit Situation

June 17, 2009

I mentioned in my first post that people often roll up on the gas station making bogus demands for things gas stations shouldn’t really even be expected to have. One thing we do have sometimes is apples and oranges and bananas [which is actually more like 3 things I guess]. Maximum we will have maybe 5 of each, but usually there’s only like one or two, and it’s pretty sorry looking fruit. The fruit usually chills in these 3 little baskets (one for each type of fruit!!) in front of the lollipop tree. Right now we are out of bananas, we have 2 oranges and one apple.

So this woman rolls up to the apple basket, picks up the apple, gives it a frown that would curdle new milk and says, ‘You only have red delicious?’

Only red delicious?! ONLY ONE APPLE!!!

This gas station is about the size of my freshman year dorm, with very few places to stash a variety of apples.

Only red delicious? Indeed no, my good woman! If you were to look between the Funyons and the Chili Cheese Fritos you would find a veritable shit ton of Fiji and Granny Smith apples! And in the cooler just beside the giant fucking Powerades I believe you will find enough golden delicious and Macintosh apples to keep your dick hard for a year and a day!!

Believe me I gave that woman a harsh fucking clowning in my head. Out loud I mostly apologized for only having that one apple.

More About Flavors

June 13, 2009

This might be totally common knowledge but it is [totally] news to me:

In addition to Nacho Cheese and Cool(er) Ranch, Doritos has a new ‘Late Night’ line  of chips that includes the flavor ‘Tacos at Midnight’.

 

HILARIOUS

HILARIOUS

 

 

This is a HILARIOUS flavor. Tacos already encompass many, many flavors. There’s like…cumin…meat flavor…cilantro…onions? So many flavors. Then you throw in the fact that these tacos are being consumed at midnight?! Infusing taste and concept is fucking ridiculous [not in a bad way]. I like it especially because most of the time, late night tacos are the worst tacos because mostly only taco trucks are open real late, and taco truck tacos are (often) a non-stop flight to Shit Lit Cigarettes International Airport of Tomorrow. Conversely, they are the most satisfying taco because you probably weren’t expecting to find a taco, and then you do and it is so awesome.

Here are some fictional infusions of taste and concept:

*Reese’s On the Phone

*Having a Boner Sweet Tea

*Cobbler at Bath Time

*Watching Mighty Ducks Cola

*Pears on your Birthday

*Stuck in traffic Calzones

*Cake 2004

*Peanut Butter M&Ms below Sea Level

I fucking love being young.

Quarter Counting and The Lollipop Tree

June 10, 2009

If anyone ever tries to tell you that working in a remote gas station is not a boring job, they are either a) trying to trick you into working in a gas station, 2) trying to trick you for some other reason? c) lying for the shit of it d) batshit crazy. [BECAUSE IT IS A BORING JOB]

You are alone all day, and because you are in a remotely-located gas station that is not very well-stocked, you have to field a lot of complaints about being poorly stocked, most of which are completely unreasonable (gas stations should not be expected to carry live bait or stamps). 

Also if your gas station happens to be in bear country, many people ask about recent bear sightings, and no matter what you tell them, they are never impressed enough. Also, people want to tell you about their bear sightings. This isn’t always too bad. One time a child who looked to be about 6 recounted in a terrified, quavering voice how several minutes ago he and his family saw a bear eat a baby elk, and the elk’s parents were watching and stamping their feet but the bear paid them no mind and continued to eat the baby elk. I dug this story for a couple reasons. First, because the kid told it perfectly: almost punctuation-free, while staring straight ahead completely unblinkingly. Second, I literally could not possibly have less loyalty to elk, but I am something of a bear enthusiast, so when I hear that a bear has had a decent day (elk-wise, at least), I’m into that.

Most people don’t have stories that good though. In fact most people don’t even come to this gas station at all! Mostly, I am by myself with very little to do. So here’s how I’ve been spending my hours at the station:

*Sorting out state quarters from regular quarters, alphabetizing the state quarters and learning the year that each state came to be (which is on the top of all the state quarters). This took a long time. Not because I don’t have an excellent memory for almost useless facts [BECAUSE I TOTALLY DO] but because I had to wait for each quarter before I could add it to my ongoing list and learn. Yesterday, I got both Missouri (1821) and Wisconsin (1848), which were the last 2 that I needed. So now that’s done. If you ever need to know what year a state became a state, I would be beyond delighted to help you out. Don’t try to call or text me with your query though, because there is no cellular telephone service for 30 miles in any direction of this gas station.

*Removing old pieces of tape from the countertop with almost surgical precision using a nail that I found. Actually I use 3 different nails. Often the counter looks worse with the tape removed, and I feel like a total shit.

*Arranging lollipops in this lollipop tree. 

Artist rendering of the lollipop tree, viewed from an oblique angle.

Artist rendering of the lollipop tree, viewed from an oblique angle.

This lollipop tree was empty for a long time before I decided to fill it up. Those things on the top are not real lollipops, they are made of wood (the whole structure is made of wood). The colored dots arranged in a double-helix pattern on the faces of the structure are Tootsie Pops out of a 100 count box of Tootsie Pops called the ‘Fun Flavor Assortment!’. Don’t be fooled; the ‘Fun Flavor Assortment!’ is anything but. Personally, I thought the regular assortment of Tootsie pops was PLENTY fun. Of the classic assortment this assortment includes only cherry (indicated in the rendering by the red dots) and chocolate (the brown dots. Also, the worst fucking Tootsie Pop). Filling in the gaps left by the absence of some old favorites like orange and that ambiguous dark blue one that is so fucking good are blue raspberry (all right), strawberry, watermelon, and lemon lime. Here’s why those (with the exception of blue raspberry, of which I have already parenthetically indicated my tolerance) are totally stupid flavors: Tootsie Pops have chocolate in the center, so the hard candy portion must be a flavor that complements chocolate. You are probably thinking that strawberry complements chocolate pretty fucking well, and you are right, but the strawberry Tootsie Pop is all wrong. When I was assembling the tree, I pulled out a strawberry one and the stick was almost entirely broken off, so instead of throwing it away, I ate it (note: eating any kind of lollipop with the stick mostly broken off is, it turns out, borderline dehumanizing and a totally weird experience). It was no good. Of lemon lime (which, to be fair, I have not tried) I will say only that probably nobody has ever made a Sprite float with chocolate ice cream, and the reason is that LEMON LIME AND CHOCOLATE DO NOT GO TOGETHER. Watermelon is whatevs, I guess, but the wrapper is totally ugly.


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