*Big Beers I feel like this makes so much sense. When bars offer you the choice between a pint and a larger beer, that saves everybody so much time. Pints may as well be thimbles for all the good they do a thirsty folk like myself. But oh man! A big beer? I don’t even need to worry about the hassle of trying to get that bartender’s attention again for another beer for like several extra minutes! That is so great! If you or someone you know is the proprietor of a tavern, please tell them (if they aren’t already in the big beer loop) to start offering something in a huge lager. One idea that I think would be great is some kind of cornucopia into which ale could be poured and out of which said ale could be drank. I know what you’re thinking- how would you set it down?!?! I think that if we can put a man on the moon we could get around this pretty easily. This is an artist rendering of my solution:
I think the finger grips might make it a little tricky getting it in and out of the stand, but I think that they are vital for a couple reasons. 1) For grabbing! 2) to make the artist rendering of the ale horn look less vaguely phallic. Let’s get the ball rolling on this, guys.
*L’Oreal for Kids Tangle Tamer This is without a doubt the greatest hair care product there is. Granted, I do not know a lot about that particular market, but I do know this: Tangle Tamer is a must have for any one with tangles. You know how brushing your hair hurts like shit? But not brushing your hair results in one big weird dread lock that you have to go to the barber to untangle and it’s wicked embarrassing like going to the dentist without brushing your teeth first? Yeah, that totally bites. But L’Oreal for kids has made this a thing of the past for me, and could for you too. Here’s the deal though: I can’t find it ANYWHERE. If you see it around, please pick it up. I’ll reimburse you for it, just save your receipt! It’s lime green and the bottle is shaped like a narwhal (another clutch feature of this product). I’d really, really like to see more of this stuff around.
*A general consensus on ghosts being real I love to talk about ghosts. I think it is a blast. Never had a dull conversation about ghosts, I don’t think it can be done. But here’s what I don’t need: to get going on ghosts in a room that includes even one person who doesn’t think ghosts are real. Not everyone needs to think ghosts are everywhere, but most people should know that they’re at least around. Someone going ‘pfft!’ while I’m telling a ghost story is the last damn thing I need in this world. That ends now. I hope. Let’s all get it straight–ghosts are no joke, and the second we all agree on that is the second we can all get a little bit further as a population. Also, my ghost stories will go over a lot better, which will make me feel like less of a shit heel.
*Unpredictable Snowboarders These days, too many snowboarders are way too obvious. They roll up on the coffee bar demanding Monster energy drinks and Mountain Dew and it’s just getting too easy. I like to be kept guessing. I like to have to look at what kind of boots you got on to know what you’re up to at this mountain. Note: For some reason Microsoft word opted not to correct my grammar on that sentence. What is spell check coming to?! So if you snowboard, how about not talking about the gnar for a couple of minutes? There are a few who are great- total mysteries! If I didn’t either know in advance, or know from the boots, I would have no idea that they are up here to ride. This is what I like. But some long haired hippy 15 year old counting out change to see if he’s got enough for both of the doughnuts he wants and a Monster? That kid needs to step up his game. Some group of gingers who roll up smelling like a dorm in late April? Come on, guys. Get real.