Archive for February, 2010

Every time you touch the ice, remember that it was Hans who taught us to fly.

February 4, 2010

Other than the title and this short bit explaining it, this post has nothing to do with D3: The Mighty Ducks. Here’s why that’s the title: I was trying to find that quote from D3 where Coach Orion takes Charlie’s C away before giving it back to him in the final game when he’s telling him that if he’s sees his shot, he should take it BECAUSE this post DOES have to do with captaincy, BUT I couldn’t find that one and I didn’t want to eff it up in case anyone who reads this knows a shit-ton more than I do about verbatim D3 quotes BUT I did find this sweet Bombay quote from Hans’ funeral and thought it deserved to be the title instead. SO now that we’re all up to speed, here’s what I’m actually going to write about.

Recently, I was introduced to what might be the cleverest advancement in drinking since the Coors Light frost brew liner can (which, of course, did wonders for the locking in of Rocky Mountain flavor). I’m talking about the Shotski. The Shotski is an old ski with 5 holes drilled into it that have the same circumferance as the middle of a shot glass, so 5 shot glasses can rest comfortably in the 5 holes. Then 5 people can take the 5 shots at the same time which is just great. Normally, I’m not into taking shots, because they’re gross and grossly expensive. But here’s the thing- I LOVE BEING PART OF A TEAM. Here’s another thing: I AM TERRIBLE AT ALMOST EVERY SPORT. So I can’t really be on any teams at this point in my life, because the CYO doesn’t offer any everybody-gets-to-play-at-least-a-quarter-and-feel-good-about-themselves leagues for 22 year olds not currently enrolled in an elementary, middle, or high school. So now you’re reading the words of the Saddleback Maine Shotski Team Co-Captain. Co-Captain?! Me?! This is unheard of. The only time I’ve ever even been a starter was in my first game of JV water polo back before my coach realized that my excellent defensive skills were rendered maximum moot by my inability to keep up with the pace of the game. So to be on the upper-echelon of a team is like a dream coming true that I was never even bold enough  to dream up in the first place. Because the idea of it coming true just seemed so damn far-fetched. This is just great. Granted my co-captain, Tristan, and I only had to split the cost of the first ski to earn our titles, but still! It showed leadership! That’s what being a captain is all about! (A lesson Charlie Conway had to learn the hard way in D3)

The cost is another GREAT feature of the S’ski. It is $20. Note: As I typed "$20" the librarian said $20 in reference to something else, but at the EXACT SAME TIME!! Totally bananas!!! $20 for 5 shots of whatever you want except for the absolute toppest shelf shit. So far, the S’back S’ski team has stuck with Jameson, because it totally rules. I’m pretty sure it’s normally $6 for a shot of Jameson. And by pretty sure I mean positive because I bought a round one time and was totally bummed when I went to pay my tab. So the Shotski is like getting 1.66 shots for free. What a steal!

Also– super serendipitously, most of the friends that I’ve made here are really close to my height. This makes taking Shotskis a total cakewalk, because no one really has to tippy toe it or bend wicked far down to compensate for any one else. In case this is ever an issue though, we can just institute an everybody’s elbows on the bar policy and it totally ceases to be an issue. I am just over the damn moon about this.

If anybody is hemming and/or hawing about coming to Western Maine, I hope that an open invitation to play on my Shotski team will be enough to tempt you. Guys, for real, this is a really, really fun thing. No foolin’ at all!!! Not even one little bit of fooling.

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Is this the untimely end of my sanity?!

February 3, 2010

So the other day I had the most worrisome batshit insane thought I’ve ever had. Here’s what happened: I was leaving my house to go up to the mountain, ostensibly to shred the gnar but really to get a breakfast sandwich (just kidding?!). So I loaded my and my buddy John’s boards into my truck via the folded down passenger seat and then naturally I stepped out of the way so that John could get into that seat (after folding it back up!!!). So I go to run around the back of the truck to get in on the driver’s side because I was driving because driving is the shit and here’s where it happened. I saw some ice up ahead of me, which isn’t surprising because my whole driveway is just one big treacherous terrible sheet of ice, and instead of slowing down or avoiding it I ran right over it thinking ‘ice? No big deal. I’m in 4-wheel drive, so I won’t slip.’ Really? I thought that I personally as a human being was in 4-wheel drive? I don’t even have one wheel! Or a transmission that can be shifted to any sort of two or four wheel gear. And the worst part was that it took me the whole rest of the jaunt around the truck to realize how completely batfuck this whole thing was! I was cranking the motor before it even dawned on me that this was totally nutbar and I had gone mental. There are so many things I won’t be able to do if this sanity deterioration continues. For example, every year my dad sends me all my tax forms to sign and mail out. He goes through the trouble of noting all the places that I need to sign with post-it notes, which makes the whole operation really simple. But will I still find it to be so when I am completely insane?! Probably not. Probably I will be too busy imaginary 4-wheeling in my stocking feet to even remember that I need to pay taxes. Probably I will logic myself out of any temptation to pay taxes by reminding myself that automobiles like myself are not eligible for taxation.

This is going to be terrible!

Also I doubt that I will be able to prepare quesadillas, which is something I’ll really miss when I’m totally car. Reading maps? I guess I can just forget about it. Also recycling, brewing coffee, sending and receiving mail, simple addition, and making long and short term plans are right out the window.

Dammit dammit dammit!!

Hopefully this is no biggie and it will all just blow over. If not, please divide up my possessions amoung yourselves.


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