For what? Oh nothing, I’m just going to fucking totally help you with your New Year’s Resolution, that’s all!
Why am I not focusing on my own? BECAUSE IT’S TOO HARD. (My NYR is to pull off calling people ‘hoss’. So far every time I’ve tried I just end up sounding racist. Racist against…cowboys? I don’t know it just sounds racist.)
Last year by this time I had also given up on my resolution, which was to become the kind of person who has a lot of different mustards. I know what you’re thinking, ‘sounds easy. Couldn’t you just buy them in a store? This is America.‘ And to you I say, ‘First please stop talking like a Brett Easton Ellis character, it is terrifying; and second, you clearly DON’T GET IT.’ It wasn’t about the mustard at all, really. It’s about the lifestyle that the mustard alludes too. For instance: A guest could ask me, ‘Michela, Do you have any Champagne mustard?’ and I would reply haughtily, ‘Of course, Admiral, I have plenty left over from the feast of One Dozen Honey Baked Hams that I held last week’. I don’t want to just buy mustard, I want to be in a position to need many mustards. For my guests.
So having already failed two resolutions in a row, I feel just the right amount of qualified to help you out.
If your resolution is to lose weight, which I understand is a pretty common one, I have an excellent diet that I can recommend to you. I invented it and it’s called the Manic Housewife with Body Image Issues diet. Basically, instead of eating things that taste good, you eat only baby carrots and cheap Riesling wine. They taste awful together. The best thing about this diet is that due to the nature of the character you will be playing, there are periodic binges built-in to the structure of the diet, though to stay in character, your binges must be things you purchased for your fictional children. For example, you will have to eat a whole box of Gushers or something nuts like that. You probably won’t lose any weight (I certainly haven’t), but you will wake up every day feeling just terrible with a gross taste in your mouth!
Obviously my diet will not be enough to succeed with the resolution, you will also need to incorporate an exercise regimen. If you’re like me and you don’t like the look of all these modern gyms with their windows, I have an EGGSELLENT and needlessly complex solution for you. First you’re gonna have to apply, and be accepted to New York University. You’re then going to need to be assigned to live in the incomparable Third Avenue North residence hall, where you can take full advantage of the generously titled ‘Fitness Center’. There are only three machines and one of them is haunted (the others are broken), but there are no windows and the room has a certain dank veneer that you will no doubt find encouraging. While working out, you will be motivated to not become the human version of this room, who is the overweight ghost of a murderer whose day job is to calibrate thermostats on industrial refrigerators (which he fills with the remains of victimsOMGGGGGGGGG!!!!!).
If your resolution is to read more, then first let me congratulate you, because reading is fucking awesome and super goddamn important. I recommend that you model yourself after my go-go library-hold-placing, jet-set lifestyle. It is incredible glamorous, according to both ‘Modern Pajama Schmo’ and ‘The Weekly Hermit’ magazines. Most importantly, get on goodreads.com and friend me, because my double secret plan B resolution is to get more friends on Goodreads.
If you want to build an arsenal of interesting tales in 2012, an easy way to do this is to hitchhike and/or pick up hitchhikers. Your friends will love to hear stories from the road, everybody does! That’s why Jack Kerouac is famous, despite all evidence that he is probably a shitty friend (he just left Neal Cassidy in Mexico! What a shitty move!).
I’ve heard that getting organized is a popular resolution. This one is easy. All you have to do is get so super disorganized that your friends and family submit an audition tape for you to that show ‘Hoarders’. Then those fuckers will come and clean the shit out of your house for not even any monies. Yaht. Zee.
Apparently the most popular resolution is to spend more time with your friends and family. I’m flabbergasted that you even need to resolve to do this. Who are you spending your time with instead? Are you the Phantom of the Opera? Do you live in a network of tunnels beneath the Paris Opera and have no contact with people, friends or otherwise? Are you spending all your time with your enemies, undercover, to learn their ways as part of a revenge plot? You will never be happy. If you want to spend time with your family and friends, I recommend that you…just do…that? They probably would love to see you.
If you need any other help, just let me know.
Like this:
Like Loading...