At the Mountain of [March] Madness

March effing rules. Things are awesome, and looking to get awesomer in the days to come. Do you not believe me? Check out this dope calendar, then.

1. 3/11 – Selection Sunday.

I LOVE SPECULATING. As a result of this passion, making my bracket every year is among my absolute favorite pastimes. I develop unexpected loyalties to teams for no reason, and love it. Last year I had San Diego State in the Final Four (losing to Ohio State, whom I had winning the finals? Womp womp.). I don’t remember why I had such an unreasonable emotional bond with that team, but I was pretty upset when they went out, several rounds earlier than I predicted. If you’re new to bracket-making, here is some advice for you: a 12 seed always ends up playing a 13 seed, so make sure your bracket reflects that. Also keep in mind that the Big East is a shit conference full of overrated teams that will fuck you up in the prediction department (Pitt, Georgetown, I’m looking at you), so no matter how badly you want them to live up to your expectations, take their high-seeding with a grain of salt. Happy tournament, everyone!!

2. Spring Training is happening RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!

Baseball is, bar none, my favorite sport. And other than September (and October, if I’m lucky enough), there is no more exciting time than spring. Crazy shit happens in spring baseball. The Mets and the Orioles spend days at the tops of they’re respective divisions! The Kansas City Royals have a better record than the Yankees! Wonderful things! Spring training just reminds me that all of this excitement is just around the corner (opening day- 4/4). Something tells me this will be a good year for BAYseball. (BAYseball is a word I made up to describe the sport I love so dearly as it is played in places I love with equal fervor: the Bay Area, and the Bay State. Though I really only root for the Giants and the Red Sox, this term probably would make it seem that I’m also an A’s fan. Dammit. Well I guess I don’t wish them any specific harm, though at one of the first games I ever attended I rooted against them in favor of the Toronto Blue Jays, whom for some reason I thought had something to do with a dinosaur that at the time I thought was called Torontosaurus Rex based on a shirt my parents gave me as a toddler that had two such dinosaurs fucking around the Jays’ Skydome, presumably taking in a game or maybe slaughtering Canadians and destroying both their ballpark and notions of which animals are actually extinct. Probably the former, as this shirt was marketed as a garment for toddlers. When I learned of my taxonomic error, I was as humiliated as a 3 year old is capable of being and denounced the Blue Jays.)

3. St. Patrick’s Day!

I don’t think I need to explain to the internet why St. Patrick’s day is awesome, so I’ll just say this: This is the one day a year (since the release of the ‘Ginger Kids’ South Park episode, anyway) that being a ginger doesn’t make me a genetically inferior freak show. It’s a day where I can dress all in the color I am physiologically predisposed to look best in, and indulge in the pastime that I am ethnically predisposed to excel at- drinking Jameson and Guiness while eating corned beef and cabbage.

4. The Hunger Games Movie comes out!

Though I’ve been known to lampoon many a pop cultural phenomenon, I’m am all about this one. I did have to jump on the bandwagon late, however, due to a 90 person long waiting list at my local library (also my unwillingness to part with $14). Regardless, I’m on the bandwagon now and am grateful that my late arrival has shortened my waiting time for the movie release. Also the trailer was already out by the time I was interested in seeing it. Also I can’t wait to see how they render those fucked up bee stings in the movie. Hopefully, they will be adequately gnarly. Excited.

5. Probable Completion of my Tahoe goal!

By ‘probable’ I mean ‘definite’ but I don’t want to jinx it. My goal for my year in Tahoe was to read 70 books. I don’t know why I picked that number, but I did, and as of today I have only one book left to read with two months and change in which to read it.  Barring a Twilight Zone-esque irony fiasco where my glasses break and I can’t read any more, I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay. Even if that does happen, I really only need my glasses to see far away things, so I should still be fine to read that book. If you’re interested in seeing what I’ve read so far, you can look here. If you’re interested in criticizing me for including so many graphic novels on my list, you can regard my upraised middle finger and listen to my booming alto voice inquire as to how many books you’ve read since June, you buttmunch.

6. Jeort Weather!

Sure it’s snowed for the past 3 days, but who cares?! Jeort weather is right around the corner. For those of you who don’t know, jeorts are old jeans that have been made into shorts for the purpose of looking awesome. I only have 3 pairs of pants, all of them for work. Pretty much all the other bottoms I have are former pants that have since been jeorted. This DIY garment is a prime example of Frankenfashion, a cultural touchstone that I might have made up. Regardless, I have, like, 40 pairs of jeorts, each more precious to me than the last. I have formal jeorts (which are black), golf/business casual jeorts (which have minimal fray, no stains or holes, and are the most fashionable denim shade), driving jeorts (which sit absurdly high, keeping the button from irritating my navel–which is inconveniently located exactly on my waist line–on long drives), and drinking jeorts (which are a size too big, so that they don’t need to be unbuttoned or unzipped to be removed, making them ideal for situations where frequent urination is likely). Pretty soon it will be warm enough to wear them every day! Glory be to March!


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