Simple Pleasures

To counterbalance the crazy boatloads of griping I’ve been shortening my life with lately, I thought I’d reflect this week on some of the tiny simple wonderful things that bring me so much joy.

1. Peeling shit off of other shit.
Peeling is the greatest. Labels, stickers, bananas, whatever, don’t matter; if something’s stuck to something else, I’m all about it. My favorite thing to peel by far is that strip of thin plastic that keeps the tissues safe in their box until you need them. I cannot get enough of peeling that shit off when the tissue box is empty. Because it’s always a clean peel. Always comes off in one piece. Like Borders’ price tags. When Borders went out of business last year, all I could think about was how that well of sexy, residue-free price tags had dried up, leaving me ten kinds of thirsty. Other peeling honorable mentions go to those UV protection stickers on sunglasses, 59fifty hat stickers (if you don’t peel these off, you are a fucking clown), and those little pieces of plastic that they put on phone screens.

2. Untying some kind of shitty knot.

Sometimes, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze on this one. For example when you buy a skein of yarn to make your friend a hat, and as so0n as you remove that little piece of paper wrapping the whole thing goes to shit. That knot is too shitty. But say your head phones get all tangled up? Or only a small section of that yarn? Eff yes. When I’m almost to the end of the knot, I get the exact opposite feeling of that horrible one where I’m about to lose at Tetris. There’s the same frantic feeling of being very near to something, but instead of the thing that I’m near being just the worst (losing at Tetris), it’s totally fucking all right (untying some shitty knot).

Note: every goddamn time I went to type ‘knot’ in that little paragraph, I accidentally typed ‘know’. Every time. Pain in the ass.

3. Removing that piece of plastic from new deodorant.

This is probably just a bastardization of peeling, but I love opening up a new stick, cranking that shit til the plastic’s fixing to fall off, and then lifting it gently away. I’m not totally sure what that thing even does, other than make my day, but I hope it’s here to stay.

4. Meeting little kids who love baseball, or have other non-shitty interests.

Obviously, the best kid is the one sitting by you in a baseball game with a scorecard that he or she is diligently filling out while wearing a hat that is too big. Another way to tell if a kid is cool is if they’re wearing a shirt like this:


Aggressively Awesome

Any child wearing a monochromatic tie-dyed shirt with an apex predator on it is the best kid. Although it should be noted that probably every kid who visited Cape May, New Jersey between 1991 and 1997 has a similar shirt and maybe is not necessarily the best kid. But I haven’t met every one of those kids, so who am I to say? Also those kids are young adults now, so it’s mooter than shit anyway. Other cool kid shirts have to do with outer space and the exploration thereof, insects, national parks, and volcanoes. Also, all these things make for cool adult shirts. This elderly Filipino man came into the gas station that I worked at in Wyoming wearing an incredible shirt that said ‘I survived Mt. Pinatubo 1991’ in a whole rainbow of day-glo puff paint letters above an erupting, day-glo volcano. If he hadn’t been 4 sizes smaller than me, I would’ve told him to name his price for that shirt.

5. Finding out my shitty optical drive is not, in fact, broken.

Just in time to add all 28 discs of the Game of Thrones audiobook onto the ipod for a hig speed burn ‘cross country. To give you some background which you may even have already guessed, my computer’s disc drive has been malfunctioning for like one year. Now, to my great joy, it isn’t anymore. Also, I’m going to be rocketing from Tahoe to West Virginia in some 5 weeks, and having a new audiobook will be an asset on that drive. I’ve been listening to The Chronicles of Narnia over and over again for like a decade.

6. Getting Mail

I love sending and receiving mail. Silly mail, serious mail, all kinds of mail. Stuff I ordered on the internet like this sweet Rangeley Lakes Region railroad patch that I scored for like $3:

Rangeley Patch

It's got my backpack looking good.

Around my birthday this year, an old friend mailed me, unheralded and unexplained, a red slide whistle. Excellent bit of mail! If you’re interested in having a pen pal, “get at me”, please, because I love that shit.

7. Switching empty jugs out of water coolers for full ones.

Pretty self-explanatory, I guess. This is just a really rewarding thing to do, and I lerv it.

Also, just to follow up from last week, my ruse TOTALLY worked. There were at least 8 or 9 people who arrived here at Summer Of One Thousand Bullshit after Googling ‘naked twi’lek’, and one person who arrived at an older post titled ‘Fuck You, Chairlift’ by Googling ‘fuck on a chairlift’. To that person I urge: please don’t do that. It sounds really dangerous and plus there’s lots of children around. Please have some discretion and don’t be a butthole on this one buddy.


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