Hey. HEY! Let’s all be less shitty, okay?? Jeez.

I am pretty aware that some of the things that I’m about to discuss are my own personal pet peeves, and it doesn’t make you shitty, necessarily, if they are things you do (although, honestly, it would also not contribute to making you awesome…necessarily). Some of these things, however, are shitty things to do, almost any shitty way you slice it. So in an effort to create awareness of some shitty things I hate, I made this list and encourage everybody to avoid doing these things, for shit’s sake.

1. Don’t not dole out courtesy waves always!

Or, always wave courteously at everyone who’s driving well and deserves it. I wave at fucking everybody on the road who is not actively making my drive worse. When I pass people I wave at them, ‘thank you for letting me pass!’. When me and some guy are at different parts of a 4-way stop, I wave at him ‘thanks for letting me go first!’ even if it was my turn anyway. I wave at pedestrians to thank them for not jumping out in front of my car, I wave at mail men to thank them for making frequent stops to get our mail to us. When I do something nice for another motorist and they give me a courtesy wave? I wave so fucking cheerily back at them ‘no problem, pal! thanks for that wave!’. I wave at every body.

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This is what I would look like if I was that woman and that was my car.

Some people have said that I’m not not a sometimes reckless driver, but I don’t have any tickets nor have I been in any accidents and the guy who has said this the most does and has. So Steve, if you’re reading, hold one dozen dicks at a fair, bro (just kidding?! Ah you’re all right). Just wave, please, everyone. You’ll feel better and be better and brighten a lot of days.

2. Stop the pre-flush nonsense, you nutty broads!

When I’m in a multi-stall public bathroom, I’ve noticed that a lot of ladies will flush toilets before they use them. Come on, ladies! What?! Why are you doing that?! Ack! THREE GALLONS OF WATER. What you’re saying when you do that is ‘whatever is in this toilet is not fit for me to pee on’. Nothing ever is not good enough to receive your urine, ma’am. That’s crazy.

There is one time when it is acceptable to pre-flush, and that is when you see a toilet that already appears to be at critical mass and you are just about sure that if you add your tinkle, the whole thing is going to fucking hell in a hand basket. I would especially recommend pre-flushing if these circumstances present themselves at Serendipity III in Manhattan, where the bathroom is RIGHT DEAD CENTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DINING ROOM and the tourist in front of you who just black widowed the shit out of the only toilet didn’t risk flushing because she KNEW her sewage sabotage was sufficient and would result in an embarrassing pootastrophe, so she left you holding the bag. Then you have to tell one of those salty waiters (aren’t the waiters there the meanest? They must make a fortune and yet they’re all giant grumpelstiltskins. Fuck that noise) that there’s ‘water’ all over the damn bathroom floor, which will mean that soon, ‘water’ will be all over the dining room floor because an insane person designed that restaurant. You will try pretty hard to convince this waiter that it isn’t your fault, and he will not believe you AT ALL. You’re friend from high school that’s visiting from the Bay Area will ask you what that was all about and you will say ‘Pauline, we have to get out of here basically immediately’. In this instance pre-flushing is not just acceptable, but prudent. Otherwise, come on, don’t, it’s so wasteful. Every bathroom isn’t CBGBs. There isn’t vomit from 1982 in that toilet that’s going to splash up and give you some 80s punk rock disease like heroin addiction. You’re probably just in a clean-ish Applebee’s or something, so chill out, ladies.

3. When you go to the movies with me, please, please don’t tell me whether or not you’re going to see or not see one of the movies whose trailer you just saw.

This is one of the pet peeves I mentioned. You’re not a bad person if you do this. But for some reason it makes my skin crawl when people turn to me after a trailer and say ‘I think I’ll pass’ or ‘ooooh what d’you think??’. We can talk about them after the movie, guys! Come on! For some reason it bothers me extra if the trailer was just a teaser. A teaser doesn’t make up any one’s mind one way or another. If you are watching a teaser trailer, you have probably already made up your mind to see/not see that movie. Nobody is watching a teaser trailer for Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2/2 and thinking ‘yeah maybe I’ll check it out’. You probably already know if that’s something you’ll be checking out. Twilight is very polarizing. You knew before the sneak peak. When you snuck puck (sneaked peaked? sneak pucked?) it, you were just resealing the deal one way or the other and I don’t want to know about it, friendo. Also, after seeing an action movie trailer, turning to me and saying something like ‘whew! that was intense!’ is something I won’t like. Of course it was intense! They just crammed a whole action movie into 3 minutes and launched it at your face from a huge screen with all these massive speakers surrounding you! I would not be at all surprised to hear that the ‘Savages’ trailer induces labor.

Like with pre-flushing, there is an exception to this rule. It is okay to turn to me and grip my forearm tightly when we are at some weird megaplex in a mall in Orange County and we’re on drugs eating some In-n-Out burgers that you secreted in and we’re there to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest because it’s 2006 and the trailer for Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium comes on and it’s so delightful we can’t even deal with it and pee a little. It’s okay, after that, to say, ‘Oh my God’. And I’ll say, ‘Oh my God’. That’s the only time, though. (For the record, I did not end up seeing Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, and found Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to be very convoluted and too much work. I don’t remember a lot about it, but I remember never knowing what the fuck side I was on. I left the theater 3 times during the movie to buy 3 different Icees [First cherry, then Coke, then Cherry Coke]. Each time, I was incredibly paranoid that the concession counter teen would smell my crazy over-powering onion breath and kick me out for eating In-n-Out, even though I’d spent a king’s ransom on Icees).

4. Don’t wear that hat if you don’t support that team! Eww, come on, what the hell?!

I don’t care how much the Cincinnati Reds match your shitty sneakers, don’t wear their hat if you can’t name one of their pitchers. Don’t be a shit. Come on. In this day and age, you can find a hat of any color you like for a team you DO support. If you don’t support any teams, you shouldn’t wear any logo hats at all. Get a plain hat. That is all you deserve, you charlatan. It’s not the Milwaukee Bucks’ fault that their hats match your Christmas sweater, so stop philistining around and embarrassing everyone. Come on. Quit it.

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